Horror / Reviews

Ouija (2014) review

Ouija blu

Ouija

Starring: Olivia Cooke, Lin Shaye

Written by: Juliet Snowden, Stiles White

Directed by: Stiles White

A bunch of idiots mess with a Ouija board and bad stuff happens to them.

Seriously, that is basically the plot of this useless, dull, and lifeless piece of garbage.  After watching the cinematic travesty that was Annabelle (read my review here), I didn’t think there would be a worse horror film ever released.  How wrong I was.  This is perhaps one of the stupidest, generic, pointless wastes of my time.

I’ve been sitting on writing this review for a week.  I knew watching it that I didn’t like it.  While it was never particularly terrible, I couldn’t place my finger on why I didn’t like it.  I thought and thought.  I pondered.  I dwelled.  I spent a LOT more time on this film than I should have.  Then, out of the blue, that lightbulb popped up over my head, like in an old Warner Bros. cartoon.  DINGGGG!!!  The film is generic to the point of absurdity.  That is why I disliked it.  Also as I pondered, I did finally come to the realization that this is perhaps the worst horror film I have ever seen.  The worst that was ever peddled by Michael Bay to the unsuspecting masses who were simply looking for a fright film for their Halloween season.  While I have pity for the poor souls who actually went to the cinema to see this, my heart does not bleed as I am one of those poor souls.  I just waited for the Blu-Ray release.  At least I didn’t pay full price for it.  I take some small amount of solace in that fact.

ouija-movieI have seen a lot of films in my day that are terrible to the point of painful to watch.  As I write this, I think this may be the film that tops them all.  Until this point, the worst film I had ever seen was Bleeders, starring Rutger Hauer.  That film I described as starring the gay, French, makeup wearing vampire.  It dealt with inbreeding and goblins (or something) in the french countryside.  It was very strange and terrible.  Please don’t watch it.  I warn you that my description is in no way representative of how bad the film actually is.  This is worse.  I’m not even going to waste time coming up with a funny about this movie.

Another film that was better than this but still almost unwatchable?  Immortals, starring Henry Cavill and Mickey Rourke and Luke Evans.  I reviewed that film (see it here) and hated it.  This is worse.

Ok, that’s it.  I’m not wasting any more time on this waste of digital space.  For the first time ever, I find myself thankful that most films are shot digitally, as this has not tainted the glory of actual film.

Dear Christopher Nolan,

Please take all stores of film away from any production that Michael Bay may be associated with; director, producer, executive producer or otherwise.

Thank you, from all film fans the world over!

You know who I feel bad for in a film like this?  The actors.  These your actors and actresses thought this would be the film that launched their careers.  Honestly, I hope each and every one of them finds a future in the business and this isn’t their only claim to fame.  I wish them all the best, but this film is trash.

1/2 out of ****

NOTE:  I contemplated giving this zero stars.  Couldn’t bring myself to do it.  Lin Shaye was in it and she was hilarious in There’s Something About Mary.

BIZZAM!! Fun Facts!

  • Anything is more fun than this film.  That is the only fact I have for you.  Do anything else.  Pop a pimple.  Yank off your toenail.  ANYTHING IS BETTER THAN THIS!!  That is all.
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